Getting FBI to Work for You
Body Intelligence is getting a lot of attention these days. First, we had IQ (cognitive intelligence), then EQ (emotional intelligence), then WeQ (social intelligence), and now BQ (body intelligence). Or as I like to call it FBI – Full Body Intelligence.
The Claddagh ring, pictured here, is my way of remembering FBI. The crown represents brain intelligence, the heart represents emotional intelligence and the hands/band represents gut intelligence. This is second in a series of articles about Head, Heart & Hands Leadership (click here for the first one)
Let’s use “listening” as a way to explain how to use your FBI. You are having a conversation with your friend who is complaining about their boss. Here’s how you might use your three centers of intelligence (or how they might use you).
With the Head
Most of us do this – and not so well, I might add. We listen to “what” is being said and we interpret it with our own filters and narratives. We can do this easily because people speakat a rate of 125-150 words per minute and thinkat the rate of 600-800 words per minute. This means that while your friend is speaking, you have lots of time to time to make up your story about what is happening. We love to do this. This often means that we start to think about our response while the other person is still speaking. We are listening to respond in some way - usually to fix, diagnose, defend, give advice or relate it to our own experience. It might look something like this:
“Oh goodness – have you thought about discussing it with him? [fix]
“Well maybe he’s just busy?” [diagnose]
“Wow! He seems like a nice guy…not sure what’s going on here” [defend]
“If I were you, I’d….” [advice]
“Well you know, I find him a bit that way too…” [my experience]
Here is my all-time favorite:
“I had a boss who was just like that and….” [my experience and I am hijacking your experience].
Listening with the head may not be so great after all. In fact, we have a good chance of getting it wrong. This is why all those listening classes advise us to paraphrase with a statement like “if I heard you right….”. It might seem formulaic or cheesy, but don’t overlook this part. If we get this wrong, the rest of the conversation will be off.
Mostly what we can do is to be aware of our own story and choose to stay with theirs. Simply listen to understand.
With the Heart
The heart is the emotional intelligence center. It is not just an organ to pump blood around the body. The heart generates a magnetic field bigger than the brain. This magnetic field can be detected up to 3 feet away and can directly affect the emotions of others.
In conversation, words aren’t so important here. People often say some version of “I feel your pain” which is an expression of empathy. However, real EQ is to be aware of your feelings and theirs and to allow your feelings and theirs. This requires a level of emotional literacy that most people have not mastered. What is your friend experiencing emotionally about the situation with her her boss? Is it anger, fear, sadness or some combination? What sensations are arising in you as you listen? Can you tune in to both? How might you do this?
Here’s how I do it. First, let me say that I really don’t like the “How are you feeling?” question. It drives me crazy. But that’s a story I make up when I hear other people say that. Go for it if it works for you! I prefer some version of “what’s going on for you about this”? and I might gesture with a quick touch to my heart. The shift here is to stop inquiring about the story and instead inquire into the person’s experience. It is a shift from content (story about boss) to context (felt experience). It’s a move many people are not consciously aware of. Try it out and see how it changes your conversations and your relationships.
This next step is crucial. We allow the other person (and ourselves) to experience any emotion that comes up. This means that we don’t rescue with “it will be ok”, “I feel your pain”, or “here’s a tissue”. Just be with the wave and let it pass. Research indicates that it takes 60-90 seconds for the average wave of emotion to pass through the body. If you sense the other person’s need for a hug, then go for it. Just be sure that you are not short-circuiting their experience as unexpressed emotions tend to stay trapped in the body.
With the Gut
The gut is often referred to as the second brain. It has about 100 million neurons (more neurons than the spinal cord). About 90% of the communication through the nervous system goes up to the brain and only 10% goes down from the brain to the gut. Therefore, it is a huge source of information. This is why we often say, “I feel it in my gut”.
Gut intelligence is instinctual, often about self-preservation or survival. The three main human needs for survival are the need for safety/security, control and approval. In most conversations where there is some juice or heat, you will find some or all of these needs if you listen for them.
When you know that something is not quite “done” or revealed about the other person, you are listening with your gut. Even though emotions have cycled through, you instinctually know there is more. This is when we ask the simple question “Is there more?”. You will either get some version of “no, that’s it”, or you will get a second or third wave until the real underlying need has been expressed (safety/security, control or approval).
Getting back to your friend, it could look something like this:
“What I really want is to feel that my job is safe…I am not feeling very competent in this new role” [security]
“What I really want is to call the shots on this project …I’m worried that he doesn’t understand the client’s agenda” [control]
“What I really want is appreciation for all the hard work ... I often feel taken for granted” [approval]
Once the core need is understood and articulated, the other person can be more of a witness to what is really going on for them.
Listening with FBI
Listening with FBI truly is a win-win.
When we listen with FBI, we understand the other person’s story [head], we appreciate their experience [heart] and we are witness to their core needs [gut]. In short, we “get them”more fully.
When we listen with FBI, the other person gets clarity [head] about their experience [heart] and feels fully seen for who they are being [gut]. Often this “knowing” is enough to take the first steps forward [gut]. No advice-giving needed [LOL].
This is a rare gift.